


Observation

by DrPaine



Series: The Lapidot Archives [4]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: F/F, also small reference to the artificial limbs theory, headcanons ahoy around here!, mainly that peridot has some serious anxiety problems, now continuing for who knows how long!, or could easily work herself into a panic situation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-18
Updated: 2015-08-03
Packaged: 2018-04-09 21:56:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4365605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DrPaine/pseuds/DrPaine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Peridot is a technician, meant to catch every detail. Not something she’s very fond of, but making yourself aware of your surroundings can be helpful, when you’re slipping into troublesome thoughts.</p><p>There isn't quite an overarching plot or anything here, just some takes on Peridot + emotional distress over Lapis and similar stuff. (Or short version: 'OH NO SHE'S HOT')</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Notice

> _Notice the stars._

It’s harder to see them here, mired under layers of cloud, the light of a full moon and the atmosphere in general, but she can pick out plenty. Twinkling brightly in the corner of her vision is a world she doesn’t know by name, but she can recall every detail of how it was conquered. Or at least, how Jasper said it was conquered– more and more, she’s starting to wonder how much truth has ever been in what she’s heard. A little closer is a world she was stationed on for a short time, overseeing the disastrous Kindergarten attempt there. Thankfully, she was pulled from it before she fell into any real danger. 

Peridot sighs as a dim pinprick catches her eye. Barely visible, it’s only her visor’s aid that lets her know it’s there at all. But she knows the coordinates, could recite them in her sleep (if she slept, that is). That dot is home–

No, she corrects herself. _Was_ home, but now it– any Gem-controlled planet– is nothing but death. Panic rises in her chest as she imagines herself there; her fingers clench into the sand and she remembers: pay attention to where she is _now_. Not where she has been before, not where she fears she might be. 

Notice the sand slipping between her fingers, some grains pooling in the dents her teeth have left over the years. Notice the moonlight glittering over the ocean, calm with only small waves meeting the shore. Notice the faint rumble of a car in the distance, the call of seabirds still awake, the wind.

Notice a new sound– footsteps on the sand. Too light for Amethyst, too quick for Garnet, too soft for Pearl, too slow for Steven, too few for that… _beast_ ; leaves only one option.

“Lapis,” Peridot says, turning her head just enough to see Lapis Lazuli sit beside her. Or rather, just behind her.

The other Gem nods in reply, resting her chin on her knees and wrapping her arms around her legs.

Peridot doesn’t mind– indeed, she rather enjoys Lapis’ company most _because_ she is so accepting of silence. It hadn’t always been this way, there had been significant… _conflict,_ at first. Accusations of treason, weakness, disgrace and more than she wanted to remember, but things had been calmer for some time now. Almost friendly. If nothing else, they’d found they disliked each other least of their new… companions (save Steven of course). 

Peridot glances back again, catching Lapis’ eye for just a moment before the other Gem looks at the sky again, her eyes trained on the same spot Peridot’s were just a few moments ago ( _notice the way her brows knit, her hands clutch, how she seems ready to rise up and fly away_ ).

”It never goes away, does it?” Peridot says, before she can stop herself.

Lapis shakes her head, silent for a few more moments. When she does speak, Peridot strains to catch the words.

“I wish I’d never tried going back.”

“You’d have rather stayed here?”

Lapis nods, curling closer to herself. “It was hard enough in the mirror,” she says. “Having to replay what I remembered, but… I always thought it…” She pauses, looks up– notice how lost she is for just a moment, before the words come again.

“I knew it would be different, but I never thought it would be like _that_ ,” she says. “There wasn’t… _anything_. And the Authority w… they were always harsh but what they’ve been doing now…”

“Was it really that different?”

Their eyes meet again, Peridot’s question catching them both off guard.

“They were more lenient,” Lapis says, shrugging one shoulder. “Difference wasn’t so… _wrong_. It…” She frowns, rising to her feet and pacing, not even noticing as she steps onto the water. “It was more… a place could be found for every Gem, even if she didn’t quite fit her initial purpose,” she says. “They still had to serve, there were still consequences if you deliberately disobeyed, but…”

Peridot can’t hold back a derisive snort, shaking her head. “I would be a rule rather than the exception?” she asks, digging her fingers into the sand again.

Lapis nods, unwilling to meet Peridot’s gaze ( _notice how her hands never remain still, her fingers flexing, push and pull the water– is that how she calms herself?_ ). 

“Incredible,” is all Peridot can say, shaking her head again. “And you’re sure this is the _Authority_ you’re talking about?”

She is surprised to see Lapis smile– small and sad, but still. “Positive,” she says, idly pulling the water up into the shape of a tower, small icy stairs running along its sides. Peridot squints, moving in for a closer look as Lapis speaks again. 

“It was before we knew what I could do here, I was just her messenger,” the blue Gem says, casually conjuring tiny figures at the top of the tower– one unmistakable as herself, another taller, sharper, bearing the unmistakable profile of–

“Blue Diamond didn’t want to fight, really. She just wanted to leave this planet and keep the rebellion from growing out of control. And there were some… they were still loyal, but wondered if the rebels had a point, if we shouldn’t just let all Gems be. ‘Maybe’, she’d said, ‘but see how many have become corrupt? How they have no qualms keeping our fallen from regenerating, locking them into their gems for how long? They would bury shards to linger for eternity rather than let them be remade…”

She continues the speech, letting the small tower fall before pulling a larger version from the sea– the Lunar Sea Spire, Peridot recognizes it from what precious little information she had been given about this planet when first assigned to it–

”This was the one good thing about the Earth,” Lapis says, wistful… but not altogether sad. She continues, naming off the Gems she’d served, the places she’d gone and Peridot tries to pay attention, tells herself again and again to notice the names, events, times; but instead…

Notice how Lapis flows like the water she manipulates, not a hint of hesitation, nor rigidity to be found. How she’s not walking so much as dancing almost, casually ducking to avoid an icy sword that cleaves a soldier construct in two. Notice her skin, moonlight filtering through her wings as she takes to the air for but a moment, through her constructs and dappling the blue with pastel rainbow hues. Notice the passion in her form, in her voice and eyes (and memories flood in now that the connection is made, how many times had it been bubbling below the surface and she’d never caught it before?); how had she ever thought Lapis as weak, as insignificant? The answer of course being because that was all she had been introduced as; just a lucky prisoner who managed to escape some abandoned planet. Never mind that she's as old as the most respected soldiers, likely more powerful, too; Lapis was meant to just be a prisoner, an informant, not…

Notice herself now, Peridot thinks. The tension building in her chest, leaving her shaking, speechless as she realizes these feelings as _respect_ , as admiration, affection even.

Notice that the other gem speaks, and she doesn’t hear a single word.

The constructs fall without so much as a ripple, gentle waves lap at the shore.

Notice how there is only a silence, terrible and heavy. How worried she seems, reaching out, saying her name, saying more but Peridot cannot bring herself to reply. 

Notice how her reaction, as it always is, is to turn and run.


	2. Distraction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peridot tries to cope with emotions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually want to do a /lot/ more with this xD Maybe another chapter after this little interlude to carry it all on, but I really want to get this bit out first.

Peridot prefers to spend her time off slightly away from the temple.

 

She has a small nook for herself, a cave, comfortable and providing plenty of space for her projects. But sometimes she is at the house at least, usually when the Crystal Gems need her help fixing up something or another they've found. Or when Steven worries about how she's adjusting, and insists on her staying for a night or two-- like tonight, when she'd burst into the house without even thinking, and still had no idea where to begin explaining her condition.  
  
She hasn't quite gotten the hang of this 'sleep' (though she's managed it once and it was _wonderful_ )-- it's too hard to turn off her mind, and tonight it's racing more than usual. Among the usual things; the numbers and diagrams and anxiety over if she made the right choice (if she's going to just lead to more trouble for her friend... friends?), there is an overwhelming tinge of  _blue_ and smell of saltwater. She has no heart to race or skip a beat; no stomach to twist and churn. Her breathing is its usual slow, irregular state. But she can't say that she's fine. There is still that strange pressure flooding her form, tension radiating from her gem down to her limbs, making every movement just a little more difficult than it should be.   
  
Worse, she finds it impossible to just keep _still_. She quells it mostly (at least, manages to keep her legs still) but she can't keep from grinding her teeth as she recalls the moon-dappled beach and the way it shone on her too, how such a soft voice grew so _strong_ , so sure, flowing and--  
  
Peridot barely keeps from crying out as a fang sinks deep into her finger; but the ensuing pain and blind panic do a nice job pushing away the more distracting thoughts. On Homeworld, it didn't really matter how many she'd chew through, but here she can't keep up this habit, not if she wants to actually stay functional.   
  
But she needs _something_ ; and chewing has always been a way to help ease her tension.  
  
Yes.  
  
Good.  
  
Focus on that, Peridot tells herself as she retracts the screen and gets to her feet. It's still late but she's gotten better at being quiet, and even then, it seems to take quite a lot to wake Steven.   
  
She briefly considers what might be best, something similar in size and texture-- and she remembers earlier, Steven setting colorful... things in the freezer. Ice pops? She recalls him trying to share something like that with her, and it hadn't been  _that_ bad for... food. Frozen solid, they might be serviceable.  
  
So she gathers a few of the tubes from the freezer (blue, all three, not that she notices-- that's what she tells herself at any rate) and returns to her work. She's pleasantly surprised, too, at just how well her plan has worked out. Whatever the blue is, its taste isn't remarkable nor is it unpleasant, but the container is _perfect. A_ lmost exact in consistency to her fingers but with none of the pain or threat of irreparable damage. The sensation it provides is just what she needs, requiring just enough light focus that the only blue she knows is the occasional drop on her chest or arm, her mind a comfortable whirl of numbers and dates and diagrams and frustration with the Crystal Gems for letting such valuable historical finds fall into such ruin.  
  
She's dimly aware of an increase in light after some time. She glances up and then back at her screen, idly gnawing the third tube as she continues her log, oblivious to Steven's presence until he speaks:  
  
 _"Are... you eating my glowsticks?"_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Glowstick headcanon started by Ry/Modern-Gem/PixelSlush :D I thought it was a little fitting to include here.


	3. Breakdown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Literally & metaphorically.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In which Paine attempts to describe things more because I realize that's been kind of lacking and I want to give some more grounding to things xD

For a time, things go okay. _Good_ , even.  
  
Days slip into weeks, mostly spent in the shimmering light of Amethyst's room; a place Peridot finds... oddly comforting. The mess stopped bothering her a while ago, and there's a distinct delight in finding so many relics just strewn about-- she's quite literally tripped over finds that even Yellow Diamond herself would be interested in. It also helps that of all the spaces in the temple (that she's been granted access too, anyway), this is the most familiar. So much light, crystal pillars and shards here and there, enough to almost truly relax the constant tension being stranded on Earth has left her with.  
  
Glowsticks help ease the rest. Or anything else she can find to chew, but the soft plastic tubes still prove to be the most effective, even if messy. Not that Amethyst seems to mind, much to her relief.  
  
Days pass and Peridot counts them only for Steven's sake; as he tends to grow... distressed when she sequesters herself away for a week or more at a time. So her routine settled into this:  
  
Two days dedicated to a pile. Identify, sort what can be repaired, what can be salvaged, what's well and truly junk. Occasionally sneak something inconsequential that catches her eye. Ignore Amethyst's attempts at disruption. Grow lost in the lists and numbers and scraps of history, ignore the pangs of homesickness when they come. Also ignore the pains in her fingers when she runs out of other things to bite or when she's gotten too detached.  
  
Day three, take out that what can be repaired and accept anything she can't get will be lost for who knows how long, because the half-sorted pile will most certainly be a wreck when she returns. Say hello to Steven and any of the others as she leaves the house. Accept that Steven is not content with a simple 'hello' and that he follows as she sets off down the beach to her cave. Accept that sand will _always_ find its way into her joints. Accept that Steven is curious and always has a thousand questions, many of which pertain to Homeworld. Remember the last time she said too much and that Pearl _will_ follow through with shattering her gem if Steven starts sobbing about 'recycled components' again, so Peridot just hums vague half-words and shifts the subject to something less scarring.

Accept that sometimes, there's another presence.

But she's gotten better at... _ignoring_ Lapis. Not so much at ignoring the emotions the other Gem provokes (and the added guilt that now comes with ignoring her because she catches everything; catches the increasing hurt and bewilderment in those eyes), but it's enough to maintain some semblance of calm until she reaches her space.

She often forgets to say goodbye to Steven _,_ when Lapis is with them.

She buries the shame of that realization in her work though, spending another three days holed up repairing whatever she can. Or cleaning-- scraps aside, she has started to keep... _personal_ belongings, too, and it's a simple fact of life that things get shuffled around.

She keeps seashells, mostly.  A few books. Some photographs; not that she needs them-- what kind of Peridot would she be if she couldn't recall everything, after all?

But they're nice.

And sometimes at night she lets herself relax, put her work down to sit and watch the sea.

It's the only time Peridot doesn't ( _can't_ , more like it) ignore her.

Day seven, she returns to the temple, ensuring at least a few hours to spend with Steven, sometimes the other Gems as well, but he knows she is less than comfortable in their company; and he has a lot more luck introducing her to new things when she's _not_ constantly looking over her shoulder. Often they discuss minor things-- books. Shows (and sometimes still her insistence on watching static). Sometimes he tries to get her to play video games (she's fantastic), sometimes they go around the town and maybe get lunch (some foods _do_ have an enjoyable enough texture, and the tastes are often quite good too), usually she at least makes a trip to replenish her supply of glowsticks, or find other things that might evoke the same sort of calm. Often during this day, she _does_ speak with the other Gems at some point to give an update on things and get any vital news.

And then it's back to Amethyst's room.

The routine is enjoyable.

\------------------------------------------------

_"Yoooo, Green P!"_

Breaks in it are _not_.

_"Dot! Hey! Doooooot, Earth to Dot!"_

At least ignoring Amethyst is easy.

_"Dooooooooooooooooooooooooot--"_

Relatively speaking.

 _"Peri, come_ on _this is important!"_

At least 'Peri' is a nickname she somewhat enjoys, but at this point, it's also a matter of pride.

_"PERIDOT!"_

"Yes?" Peridot asks, still sorting through her current pile-- weapons this time, an astonishing number matching up to some thought lost millennia ago. Her disinterest doesn't last when Amethyst jumps right in front of her, sending weapons scattering all over and worse--

"Give those back!" Peridot shrieks, shuddering as Amethyst's hands snatch up every one of her fingers and she's holding them too tight _"you're going to break them you clod let go NO--"_

"Relaaaaax, sheesh," Amethyst huffs, releasing the digits and rolling her eyes. "Don't gotta be such a baby about it'n I wouldn't have done that if you just answered me the first time."

"Next time, _use my name_ \--"

"Yeah, well maybe if you didn't call me a clod all the time..." Amethyst crosses her arms, glaring at Peridot and shaking her head. "Anyway, ya gotta job."

Peridot frowns, curling her fingers close to the base of her arms. "I thought this was--"

"Yeah yeah yeah and you can get back to this, we got forever to go through all this," Amethyst says with a lazy wave of her hand. "But we found this old temple... thing or some kinda old Gem place, and it's falling apart. Like right now it's losing bits and there's not much we can do to fix that so we gotta get in and learn what we can, and that means we gotta get you out there!"

Peridot groans. "Why not P--"

"Pearl'n Garnet are off checking that old ship you almost killed us with a while back."

"I see." Peridot sighs and gets to her feet, wincing with the movement-- but it's nothing, she assures herself. She's just been in one position too long. "Let's get this done with, then."

Amethyst nods, summoning the door and leading them out to the warp pad.

Which happens to be occupied.

_Naturally._

Lapis seems just as surprised though, her thin fingers immediately tugging at the ribbon at her side, her eyes so wide and Peridot thinks _'she doesn't trust them either.'_

"Hey, Lapis!" Amethyst says, having the decency to assume a bright, friendly sort of tone that does seem to set the other Gem a little more at ease. "Dot'n I were gonna go check out some ruins, wanna come?"

"O-oh... uh... sure?" Lapis says, offering a strained smile in return.

"Great!" Amethyst says as she hops up onto the pad. Peridot follows with the usual loud clang.

"Hey, y'know this place is old, maybe you'll know something too Lapis, huh?" Amethyst asks. Lapis chuckles in reply as they're warped away, but Peridot is _certain_ Lapis looked more distressed than anything else.

\----------------------------------

Evidently though, Amethyst was right.

Stranger still, despite an initial apprehension, Lapis is... _happy_. Happy in a way that Peridot hasn't seen for a while; the way she darts through the crumbling halls, scrambling up a toppled pillar to a small statue that might have been otherwise overlooked.

 _"Calcite!"_ she calls out, blue eyes bright and shining. _"I never actually met her, she was part of White Diamond's division, they made this place. She was one of the best architects though. She was one of the first to defect from the Authority..."_

Peridot notes the information down, though her focus is more on the rest of the rubble, ensuring nothing important gets missed, but it's spent on other things as well. Like if Amethyst is still nearby or digging through the collapsed walls. Her own walking, ensuring she doesn't step _too_ hard and send her foot straight through the cracked floors. And if the floors really _are_ shaking, or if it's just reverberation from her walk--

A rumble causes all three Gems to freeze.

Lapis grows utterly silent and still, eyes wide and full of fear. Amethyst tenses, summons her whip and takes an aggressive stance.

Peridot tries to speak.

She's sent flying across the hall instead, tossed about on the horns of a corrupted Gem bursting through the wall.

She hears a shout that sounds much like her name, and tries to right herself once she lands, crystalline chips splintering from the wall and covering her body. The beast roars and Peridot can hear it charging again and she _knows_ she needs to move, but her head is still spinning, her visor cracked so she can barely see and she _hurts_ \-- but she manages a crawl, pulling herself out of the way just enough, just in time.

Almost.

Under the sound of crystal shattering, there is a sickening metal _crunch_.

Peridot is dimly aware of arms around her form, someone pulling her up and away from the battle. She is aware of a loud shout and an almighty crash as part of the roof caves in, crushing and poofing the gem beast.

She is aware of being half-dragged back to the warp pad and that she should probably help somewhat, or thank Amethyst and Lapis for keeping her from getting utterly destroyed, but Peridot's mind can only focus on the mangled, sparking remains of her right leg.

\-------------------

Amethyst departs again as soon as Lapis and Peridot are off the pad.

Peridot simply collapses to the floor, staring at her leg, now just a twisted, crackling stump just under the diamond-covered joint.

To think she'd worried about hurting her fingers _._

Does it even hurt? She's aware of pain, but she's

gone.

Gone until there is a dim pressure on her shoulders, and she hears her name, frantic again and again

_"Peridot, please, say something!"_

Her mouth still doesn't have enough feeling for speech but she manages to meet Lapis' eyes.

Mostly.

Her visor was gone, why was everything still so blurry?

She manages a sound.

A little more, until finally, words, quivering and soft but there: _"help me. Please."_

Lapis obliges, helping Peridot up and staying on her bad side (and she's so _small_ , she barely reaches Peridot's shoulder but that's okay for this) as they make their way out of the house.

It _hurts_.

Everything is so blurry and then it clears.

_"You're crying..."_

_"I know."_

 

They reach sand and Peridot pitches forward, too off balance to even lean against Lapis and she wonders how she can even _think_ of making it to the cave.

Tears flow faster now, but Peridot remains utterly silent and still otherwise. Even as water pools underneath her, freezes to a solid surface and is pulled out on a rope of water.

The waves are so very still, only a gentle current pushes them towards the rocks.

She manages a thank you as Lapis helps her the last few steps. Peridot manages to at least control her fall this time, leaning up against a rocky wall as near to the scrap and tools as she can manage.

"Are you going to be able to fix it?" Lapis asks. She's not exactly close, but she's near enough, kneeling and watching with knit brows and fingers twisting her skirt.

"I'm not sure," Peridot replies.

She's coming back now, slowly though. Her fingers are trembling as she tugs the broken legpiece off, the actual leg ending just after where her knee would be. 

"Does it hurt?" Lapis asks.

  
Peridot is silent as she removes her other legpiece. She doesn’t want to think about any of it. Doesn't want to think about the pain that’s consuming her form or how she’s leaving herself utterly vulnerable.  Doesn't want to think about how concerned Lapis sounds and how answering the question will just worry her more; and how Lapis already has more than enough to worry about as it is and it's unfair to do this when she's been deliberately avoiding Lapis for so long already.  
  
But it’s too tiring to keep her mind off of these things.  
  
So Peridot nods, pulling tools and scrap metal to herself, trying to figure out where to even begin fixing things.

"It always hurts," she finally says, small and resigned (she thinks Lapis is small but what is _she_ , not even really half a Gem?).  "But it is worse now."

"Do you... want to... work on this alone?"

"I'd... like you to stay. If you can," Peridot says, looking up for just a moment and everything is blurry again.

_"I'm sorry."_


End file.
